5/3/17, 16:08.
Today,
I saw him. That one. Who I thought, once upon a time, was The One.
Pronounced 'theee won'. With
a sigh and a long blink.
The
boy who sat in the front row of my English class, who was the
seemingly involuntary cock of the walk; the one all the girls sidled
up to while we waited for the teacher to arrive.
The
boy who danced with me at the school disco after he was told I'd been
crying in the toilets, nervous to ask him myself.
The
boy I'd see walking to and from school, who I soon learned lived just
up the hill from me – by looking up his family name in the Yellow
Pages. I'd always try and get out of the building ahead of him, so it
didn't look like I was following him and so he'd be stuck watching me
walk, watching me turn into the road off the hill – I'd stupidly
hope that one day he'd call out, remark on how near to him I was, how
convenient, 'Shall we walk to school together, from now on?'
The
boy I'd often think 'I just would love it...if he loved
me.' I didn't care about being his girlfriend, I didn't need a label
on anything. And I never actually thought about doing stuff
with him.
I
just wanted a declaration of love, and a big kiss. On the basketball
court, in the queue for the canteen, in a busy corridor between
lessons, high up on the half pipe – on the hill, as we parted ways
walking home.
That would have been enough for teen me, I think. She wasn't that demanding.
He
was a skater, he had long hair and smatterings of freckles and skinny
legs...at the time. He's since filled out, toned and beefed up, cut
the hair and ditched the board.
I
wonder what he does now. Who he's with, and where he's home.
I
could have asked, today. I could have turned again, caught his eye
and smiled knowingly. We could have chatted all the way to London.
Who
knows?
I
didn't know – I just felt.
I
felt the rush and the blush, the throb and the crackles. I felt the
excitement, oh that youthful alertness that only occurs when you see
Theee Won!! I felt the
flash of terror, the self-consciousness and the echoes of trash talk
and – oh, shit, I didn't put concealer on my spots! I
felt the urge to scurry away, and I fought it. I stayed. But I didn't
push.
I
let him disappear. I boarded the train, alone. I stowed my bags and
picked up my book and I smiled to myself, thinking about how the
universe is obscenely playful and at times has a twisted sense of
humour. I had mentioned his name the other day, referring to him as
'my first crush'. Which he was. It was a fleeting mention, but
apparently enough to incite action and make the world turn a certain
way – and put him there, right beside me after more than five years
apart.
'Apart'
is the wrong word. That would imply we were ever together. Ha.
I,
of course, tweeted. Remarked on the lunacy of it all. I had replies;
'say hello', 'it's fate', etc., etc. I didn't. It wasn't that I
lacked the nerve, the bravery – it was a sense of
self-preservation, and of leaving be that
child in me. The teenager who adored the mop-head skater boy, who
wanted to examine his freckles and carve initials on her desk with a
blunt compass. She's gone now. Good job, too. Because surely if she'd
initiated, if they'd finally kissed, perhaps, as the train rolled
through London Bridge...time would turn and start backwards.
Brilliant post, one of the best I've read. I also used to (and still am) forever making impossible and improbable scenarios in my head with other people. :)
ReplyDeleteYou absolute gem, thank you so much for saying that! And I'm glad it's not just me who dreams ;) <3
DeleteWow I love this! One of my fav ever posts for sure. You have a knack of making everything you write just so damn readable. Clearly you have a gift for it my lovely. I hope to read more like this in the future. Have you ever considered writing a book? Let me know if you do cos I'll be first in line to read it xx
ReplyDeleteThank you so so much, gorgeous. I love my writing being referred to as 'readable'! That's the dream!
DeleteAnd yes, yes I have thought many many times about writing a book. I've driven myself a bit crazy with the idea. And y'know what? I think maybe it could happen...someday. xoxo
Grace, I just love this post. My ex changed his profile pic on FB the other day and when I saw it in my timeline, me heart leapt and I felt all those things you've described here. So much YES to this post. Also, don't stop writing, ever, cause you're damn good. Michelle xx
ReplyDeleteMichelle, ily. + I love that you know this feeling! x
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