An open letter to 'the fatality'.
Dear
sir/madam,
The
human who got 'hit' by a train in Hildenborough last night,
For
some reason I envisage you as a man. A man in a long mac coat with a
wretched briefcase crammed with papers, no doubt all crucial for some
matter or another. You have a hat, too. But that may be a little
much. I just feel you have a fedora situation going on. To hide your
face. You want to hide your face somehow – maybe that would be with
a fancy hat as I am picturing, maybe with a snazzy Ascot or a heavy
woollen scarf. Maybe you just put your head as far down as you can,
your chin touching the top of your chest, those bones hitting each
other separated by a just few sheets of mere skin. You're very aware
of your bones. Of your jaw, your breast plate and the ribs. Your
spine. They can break, you know. You know this.
You
just want to hide your face. Nobody can see you. If they saw you,
they might see it. It being the immense sadness that sticks in your
mind and has spread throughout every inch of you – it's been
steadily spreading for a while now, weeks and months and years. You
felt it begin in your brain, as these feelings often do. Just a dark
cloud hovering, gathering mass and then settling in one spot. Then
the feeling grew within itself, it spawned young, and thus all your
innards slowly gave in to it. It was only this morning, when you
awoke – perhaps in a comfy bed, beside a partner, with the sun
streaming in your window, that you felt it had won. It had finally
grasped your heart and turned it to crumbling stone. By the end of
your day at work, it was dust.
Oh,
if you could hear the people on this train talking now. Talking about
you. I'm just in one carriage, on one train, headed home having been
delayed by unknown reasons for almost half an hour. I bet you're the
hot topic of conversation throughout the rest of this train, and on
all the trains following and running parallel to it. All the trains
with the tannoy announcements saying they're delayed.
I
felt so depleted when I left work, so 'done'. I was happy, I was with
friends, but I was empty and in need of home comforts urgently. So
learning my train was delayed was almost physically painful. I cursed
the trains, the station, and the whole Southeastern line. However, as
soon as they made the announcement 'Platform One, all trains to
Hastings...apologies for the delays...they are due to someone being
hit by a train in Hildenborough...should be here in five minutes...'
All my anger at being made late was gone.
I
don't, and won't, talk about you the way some commuters might. The
ones who accuse you and those who do what you do as 'selfish',
'nightmarish' or just plain 'inconvenient'. The latter being the
worst adjective, in my opinion.
I
say 'those who do what you do' because, my dear, I don't think you
were simply 'hit' by a train. That's the station guard's way of
saying you threw yourself in front of that train, as it came in to
the station or was just passing through it, you jumped off the
platform and the train collided with you mid-air. 'Hit' implies it
was an accident. It wasn't. You wanted to do it. You either planned
it in advance, or just let the moment take you. Whichever it was, you
knew it was going to happen and you made it happen.
No,
I couldn't say awful things. I have done in the past, but I have
since realised how horrible it is to say that, to do that. To hate
you. How could I? You may be the reason I'm late home, the reason so
many of us are late home or late to a dinner date or late to a party
or late to a chilled evening in with a significant other...but you
did this.
I
have myself had those thoughts before, when standing on a train
platform. Of course I have. I think everyone has, to some degree, if
only to think 'oh good lord, I could never do that'. I've considered
it but briefly, on a London Underground platform when we could all
hear the train rushing through the tunnel and knew its arrival was
imminent. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, though, my whole
body tensed and I was struck with the most immense and horrible
chills. The hot yet freezing sensation surged through my veins and
something screamed at me to stay back. My mind – buggered up as it
is, trust me my friend – was stopping me. I wouldn't pass the
yellow line. I hate that yellow line anyway, I hate people who stand
just a fraction beyond it and thus terrify all their fellow platform
dwellers just for a moment, because we all think 'shit, will they
do that?'
I
think as long as your mind and body are afraid of stepping out off
the side, onto the tracks, then you won't do it. I hope that's the
case, anyway. As long as you get that sudden freezing feeling of
ultimate dread, and maybe that frantic clip show of happy moments
you've had in your life played to you inside your eyelids, then
you'll be safe.
But
then there are some like you, you the 'anonymous fatality', who will
not care in the slightest and not have any part of their mind or body
reach out somehow to stop them as they inch closer and closer to the
edge. And that, well that is the most heartbreaking thing about all
this.
Sir/madam,
I hope oh how I hope that you are in a better place
now. That you are happy and among friends. I don't personally believe
in Heaven or Hell, but I like to think you are in some beyond
atmosphere and you are cared for appropriately there. Maybe the
others, your fellow jumpers, are there too and they're all sharing
their experiences and regrets or triumphs. Maybe they're making sense
of it all.
I
wish you all the best, and I wish your friends and family down on my
level, here on this planet, all the luck and all the strength dealing
and carrying on now. And peace.
Yours
sincerely,
The
girl on the delayed 18:29 service, in the eighth carriage. x
:'( Beautiful xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you, sweetness. xxx
DeleteThis is such a beautiful post. I love your writing X
ReplyDeleteThank you so so much! Loving you long time xxx
DeleteYou really should write a book..❤️
ReplyDeleteI totally am! ;) thank you xxx
DeleteWow such an unbiased view of an all too common occurrence. Loved it. xoxo
ReplyDelete