Getting better......by talking!
Yesterday,
it ended. I had my last 50 minutes. The session was a celebration –
we had a cuppa and some salted caramel cookies, talked through things as per and agreed happily that it did feel right to end. She gave me a tiny book filled with lovely poetic sayings and I left with the biggest smile on my face. You cannot beat that post-therapy feel; the sense of good clean emptiness almost, immense emotion having been unloaded, it's just blissful.
I realised yesterday, when we recapped the things I've needed help with over the past year, that I really have been through a lot. And I've come out the other side. I couldn't have done that without this.
It took me a while to realise counselling was what I needed. For ages I was soldiering on, swallowing feelings and thus prone to periods of intense sadness, or even the odd outburst directed at others. I had the opportunity offered to me numerous times, the concept explained in full and suggestions of contacts given, but I was reluctant for quite some time.
I realised yesterday, when we recapped the things I've needed help with over the past year, that I really have been through a lot. And I've come out the other side. I couldn't have done that without this.
It took me a while to realise counselling was what I needed. For ages I was soldiering on, swallowing feelings and thus prone to periods of intense sadness, or even the odd outburst directed at others. I had the opportunity offered to me numerous times, the concept explained in full and suggestions of contacts given, but I was reluctant for quite some time.
I
personally believe this was down to one of my biggest personal
problems which is pleasing people.
I didn't want to cause any drama or cost anyone anything, I didn't
want to draw attention to myself or my dilemmas, and so I kept on
ignoring. Not putting myself first.
It
must have been maybe the hundredth sad or enraged outburst that
occurred when I finally accepted that I needed help. Which, as
everyone will tell you repeatedly, is the first and hardest step. I
agreed to see this recommended local woman for just the introductory
half hour session talking and getting to grips with what can happen.
After this half hour, I had a gut instinct that I needed this, that
it would help me if only a little.
Turns
out, it helped a lot. I've always believed that talking can be a miracle cure for things, it can be all you need (ask any one of my friends and they'll tell you, I am a
talker!) but this is different – it's actually sitting, speaking,
and being heard by someone new, someone neutral. Someone who is just
there for you, and doesn't take anyone else's side. They only care
about you and how you feel.
There
were a few things to adjust to, for instance whenever a good cry
happened (also a miracle cure for most things) there would be no
heartfelt hugging, not even any humouring hand-patting. Also you're
rarely given an outright solution to a problem, that's not what a
counsellor does – you're given a new perspective sometimes, or just
a select few supportive words. I was always blown away whenever I'd
talk about a problem at length, not seeing a way out of it, and then
this woman would simply say a few words along the lines of 'where
does that come from, though?'/'have you considered this?'...and it
solved everything.
One
more big thing that surprised me was what you
talk about. It didn't matter if I had a clear idea of what needed
discussing, I would almost always find myself talking about something
else. I'd surprise myself bringing something up, or being steered
towards something unexpected...and finding it was exactly what needed
to be brought up. Y'know?
I
soon decided to go along to my sessions with one thing in mind, if
that, to mention in conversation. Anything else would come up
organically and be completely perfect.
I
cannot recommend therapy enough. If you have a problem, if it's an
issue you are 100% aware of or maybe you just feel out of sorts or
very unhappy and aren't sure why, then look into seeing someone, if
only for one session to see how it feels. See if it helps.
I'd
see my counsellor once a week typically but due to health happenings
and changes in rotas at times it's had to be a case of 'I'll email
whenever I'm free, please fit me in' which isn't ideal, really, but
it means so much that she's been able to do that for me.
Most
people will see their person once a week or once a fortnight maybe,
at a set time on a set day. The pattern and reliable routine can be
majorly helpful.
The
NHS are getting much better with this – friends of mine have seen
therapists or gone to specific support groups that have been arranged
and fully funded by the NHS, and said it's been perfect for them. I
personally saw someone privately, someone who came recommended.
Counselling
has helped me deal with my illness. You see, my illness is not just
the actual physical thing that needed operating on a couple of times
then zapping with radiation. It's also an array of mental matters
that were almost entirely a direct result of the physical thing, with
some other lesser causes mixed in. These mental matters needed
identifying, and addressing. I was unaware of so much for so long,
and I'm so grateful to now see everything for what it is, and to know
myself that much better.
Ending
this wonderful treatment of sorts felt unusual and did frighten me a
little at first...but it also made complete sense. I'm in the best
place, now. I'm aware of every issue I have, every nervous tendency
and every barrier I put up for myself – and those things aren't
gone, no, they're managed. I am in control of them. I see them when
they crop up and threaten things and situations, and now I know how
to deal with them.
Thank You Grace for being so open and honest about this. I have never needed counselling but if I did I would want to read a post like this. Brilliantly written from the perspective of someone who has been there. Excellent work.
ReplyDeleteSarah xx