Just Some Things #11: Darran Stobbart.

This is the latest instalment in my feature Just Some Things!

I send a writer an individual email with a series of prompts from the '642 Things to Write About' book – chosen entirely at random most of the time – and then when I get the responses, I dedicate a post to them and their piece. It could be short, long, backwards, in another language, I don't mind. It'll be an adventure whatever happens! And they can use or ignore however many of the prompts they wish.

(Image by Kayleigh Causton Illustration)

When published on the blog, their piece will be put in first and then I'll add in a little piece beneath it, my response to the same prompt. I will always ensure mine is shorter and less prominent, obviously. It's all about featuring my fave writers.

This post features and celebrates the delightful Darran; blogger, zine editor, Twitter pal of mine, Waterstones alumnus (of 8 years), hard worker at ED PR....and of course an incred, if somewhat twisted at times, writer. 

His prompt was: The advert a young couple post looking for a surrogate grandparent.

~ CLASSIFIEDS ~

Professional Couple Gemma and Amy seek a replacement Grandmother.

Due to our lifestyle, we are currently seeking a replacement grandma for our family. Ideally you would be over 60, have a kindly face and a quick wit. We also request strong passion for baking, crocheting, quilting and other arts and crafts – especially the building of effigies. A twinkle in the eye is preferred.

Our grandmother should be knowledgeable, and especially in tune with nature – she should know how to use the local herbs and plants to spice her cooking. A knowledge of natural poisons is a must. We ask that applicants are good with animals, and are particularly skilled in the use of a sacrificial knife, with a steady hand and a strong stomach. A working knowledge of the movement of stars and other celestial bodies is also a plus.

We request applicants be excellent at offering advice, have a soft, delicate hand when dealing with cuts and bruises. You must also be able to recite all seven forbidden names of the devil, as well as be fluent in English, Spanish and Enochian.

All we really truly want is a grandmother with a heart. Preferably stuffed with bone-dust and wormswort. Entrails would also be a plus.

Darran's Twitter : Instagram : Blog : Zine

And here is my response to the same prompt...

Mum + Dad Harrow need a new granddAd. Like a fresh one out of a box or sumthing. For there excEllent son Jonas. He is a well good boy nd deserfs a propeR good granddad too, its only fare.

So the graNddad has to be tall but fat like good n cuddly – can drive a car and pik Jonas up from scool, then take him to Clambers for many hours. He needs to be abl to cook eggs and chips.

+ he can marry Jonas grandMa if he wants like she is nice but gets upset by other granddxd – the 1 the new guy wood replace. The hole family do, he's mean. I wish he'd dye sumtimes. He smacks my hands wiv rulers nd doesnt laugh at my storys.

Plz reply asapossible, to Jonas tho not us ((his parents) bcause Jonas is better to decide. And we love him lotz.

Thnx (: