You're just like a Pill...
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TW: Blood, guts and female angst. ~
Recently, I did the thing every other blogger, vlogger and influencer seems to be doing, these days – I came off the Pill.
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why do we capitalise the P in Pill? Genuinely wondering. Does that
give it weight and make it obvious what pill we specifically mean?
Well, in case it wasn’t clear, I mean the Pill as in the pill that
stops me making babies and keeps my bleeding under control. Yeah, that one.
I was pondering giving it up when I first saw the wise Hannah W’s video series about coming off the pill. I then began to seriously consider it this time last year, when I began to get some freaky feelings and irregular periods (turns out that was just my bowels being bitchy – ah, well).
Then the other day I mentioned to a lovely friend that I’d been thinking about it again – after a weird couple of weeks when I’d had those odd non-periods and managed to convince myself I was pregnant – and she told me how she’d felt really good since giving hers up a year ago. Apparently her weight stopped fluctuating, the dull moods lifted and periods became more regular. As she told me this, I ticked boxes in my head – period regulation YEP, depression lifting YEP, weight gain under control YAASSS PLEASE.
Then, of course, I took to Twitter for further advice, as I do with most things in my life...
Then, of course, I took to Twitter for further advice, as I do with most things in my life...
So
I gave it up. As of April 14th, I am au naturel and 100% pill-less. For the first few weeks, it was pretty much business as
usual down there. Although I
did find, in the week after coming off it, that my 'fake period'
lasted longer. There was the usual not-real-blood brown stuff
(sorry,
squeamish whiny men) but then when the actual
blood
started up, it kept coming. On and off; nothing one day, a little the
next, some more the next.
When
we hit the month mark, my body seemed to wake up and realise it
wasn’t getting its usual sweet dose of oestrogen and progestin, so it
of course started doing what a female body feels is appropriate, and
screamed at me for food FOOD ALL OF THE FOOOODDDD!!!!!!
It also sent messages to my poor brain that I didn’t just need
constant, stodgy sustenance, it also wanted 10 hours sleep every
night and a nap each day...and a good bit of sexy time. I genuinely
had a week or so feeling my body prepping for fertilisation, and
despite trying to tell it that it was wasting its time, that not only
did I not want children any time soon, I also didn’t have any means
of making them.
Eventually,
my uterus got the message. Then, I think mostly out of pure spite and
rage at not being given a kiddo to grow inside it, there was a great
flood. It honestly felt like a riot was happening inside me; like my
bowels and baby-makers were disintegrating (the former of which did kind of happen to me once, so I can say this with absolute certainty), and
blood was being pumped and streamed out at full force.
I
was also SOOO SAD. My moods were mad, but mostly sad. Smad. I
couldn’t stop crying, at anything and everything. I kept trying to
build myself back up, self-care etc., but nothing was working like it
normally would. Also, my boobs hurt. I remembered this might happen
though, as when I came off the pill in 2014 (when a neurologist
thought it was causing my brain tumour symptoms) I barely let my then-boyfriend touch me as I was so sore all over, but especially in
the boob region. Well, this time it felt like there were teeny
burning bullets trapped right behind my nips, and they weren’t
going anywhere. As I write this (*touches wood*) that weirdly
specific pain seems to have subsided...but in its place is another
painful inconvenience: SPOTS.
So,
my face is still fine. For now. I’m checking it rigorously,
convinced a nasty hormonal zit could spring up at any moment, but
thankfully it’s all clear for now. However, my chest is suddenly
rife with blemishes; you know, those weird non-spots that
range from red to purple and have no heads, they just bubble and
brood on your skin for a while then disappear, leaving a silly smudge
behind them that will live on in their memory for a while…
I
originally suspected infection or allergy when these b*stards
appeared. I am annoyingly prone to those – my body has been hit one
too many times and its immune system is almost completely shot –
but no, my super helpful (and slightly sassy when need be) GP told me
it looked like the work of pill withdrawal. My skin is very confused
and upset by the lack of...whatever made it behave itself. And now
it’s throwing a tantrum. Fair enough.
I’ve
also found in recent weeks that I’ve been sleeping more, generally,
and much more heavily. I have trouble getting going in the mornings
anyway – that’s when my ‘recovery self’, who’s currently
still repairing after 4 major surgeries in the past 4 years, kicks in
– but these days I’m actually waking up an hour or more after I
usually do, and having trouble sitting up to drink my morning tea.
I’m also having very vivid dreams – and actually remembering what
happens in them!?
I
returned to counselling this week, after a couple of months of my
mind fending for itself, and I found myself speaking more honestly
than I did in my previous sessions from January – March; my
counsellor even commented on how much more in touch I seem to be with
my feelings, and how that’s actually a good thing. I
mentioned my coming off the pill, and wondered aloud if that was why.
I mean, it’s definitely why I’ve been crying so much lately, at
the smallest things (the most recent meltdown was brought on by a
pair of my harem pants shrinking in the wash), but could it also be
the reason I’m feeling a cloud lifting and gradually getting more
excited about life, and the future!? After a good couple of years
feeling utterly hopeless and unable to make any plans further than a
few weeks in advance, this is a welcome change, and I really hope it
continues…
I
doubt I’ll make this a series, unless you all fancy reading a
string of blog posts all about my sad uterus and hormone-crazed skin.
But if any of you lovely readers who have come off the combined
contraceptive pill (geezz, that’s a very specific shout-out), have
experienced these side effects or any others, feel free to drop a
comment or a tweet and tell me about your experiences, and maybe
throw me some home remedies or reassurance!? I’d love to get a
conversation going about this. Ta.
If
you want more of my ramblings about periods etc., you’re in luck! I
recently wrote a piece for the Scarlet Ladies blog, reviewing a pair
of Modibodi ‘Period-Proof’ pants and talking frankly about Period Poverty!
Want some contraception/general sex advice? My GP recommended SexWise! I'm currently researching other contraceptive methods on their website.
Want some contraception/general sex advice? My GP recommended SexWise! I'm currently researching other contraceptive methods on their website.
I came off simply because I ran out (had been given a year's worth previously) and bring currently single I didn't see the point in getting more! My skin was horrendous the first couple of weeks - my face was SO spotty. It seems to have calmed down now. Haven't noticed much else change though!
ReplyDeleteGood shout! And my spots are only just calming down now, so irritating. Glad you've had a positive experience otherwise! x
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