Valuable Things Having an Uneven Face Has Taught Me.
I
have had a somewhat disfigured face for the past three years; a dent
formed on one side, and an accompanying bulge just underneath it,
after my temporalis muscle moved following my second brain op in
2015.
It’s
over a fortnight since I got my face fixed by a brilliant cosmetic surgeon. In that time, I’ve seen
my face change a little bit every day. Bits of it have gone from
yellow to purple to grey to blue; the enormous swelling has stuck
out, shrunk, and shone. I’ve had two black eyes, an irritated
scalp, and crusty blood in my hair (that I am still washing
out). But I’ve been trying
my best to live with all these things that have come with my
recovery, and I’ve even been out and about a few times since I’ve
got some strength back. I’ve felt quite confident, considering.
And I’ve learned a lot – before this latest operation, and after…
And I’ve learned a lot – before this latest operation, and after…
(dress and earrings from JOY)
(necklace from Stargazy)
People
stare.
They
can’t seem to help it. It often makes me wonder if I’d be the
same, seeing someone walking down the street or sitting near me in a
cafe with an 'unusual' appearance – would I stare? Well, the
answer is most definitely no. But then, I feel I am sort of fortunate
to have a distinct level of consideration and understanding when it
comes to that kind of thing, as I have experienced it myself before,
not just in previous recovery periods, but also in having a visible
scar across my head and a dent in my face for the past 2 years.
Sharing
isn’t obligatory.
This
might just be me – I’ve really felt under pressure lately to put
up a post-op selfie on social media. I mean, I’m all about body
confidence and body positivity, so surely I should be happy and eager
to share my story with anyone and everyone, right? The thing is,
though… I don’t want to. I want to keep this private, and only
show myself to those I trust or feel truly comfortable with, until
I’m less insecure. I can only hope people respect that.
The
kind people look you in the eye.
It
is SO weird how many people
feel they can definitely
speak to you while
quite obviously looking at your disfigurement. I have had many a
conversation recently (pre- and post-op)
in which the person I’m talking to has had a major eye-flicking
issue, in that they’re constantly fighting to not look at one side
of my face, but can’t keep their curious eyes from returning to it
every few seconds or so. This sucks quite a bit, but also makes me
appreciate those who address me kindly and, in my opinion, correctly
by looking me directly in the eye and never letting their gaze
wander. It not only makes me feel much less self-conscious, to the
point where I almost forget my
dent/swelling/bruising is there, but also valued and, dare I say it,
‘normal’.
(dress and earrings from JOY)
(necklace from Stargazy)
Beauty
is subjective af.
Okay
yeah, I already knew this, but this recent experience of
disfiguration, and the many that preceded it, has really hammered it
home. I wish I could say this to my teenage self, and can only hope
teens and adults alike are more aware of how true it is: everyone is
unique, and everyone is gorgeous, in their own way. It’s not all
about having a perfectly symmetrical face, or the size of a certain
body part being just so, or even dressing a particular way – it’s
staying true to what you believe and love, and putting your feelings
first. Example: the popular girls at school make fun of your backpack
covered in pin badges, or your colleagues sneer at your bold new
haircut. Do you care? Does it make you love your bag or bob any less?
No? Then screw ‘em. It’s
their issue, not yours.
Just
the other day I bumped into my favourite pre-school teacher, and she
immediately told me how beautiful I looked, then asked me what I’d
been up to lately. When I said I’d had more surgery, she exclaimed
‘you don’t look any worse for it! Nobody will ever pity you,
you’re so gorgeous’. Yes, there’s a good chance she was being
extra sweet because she knew I needed it, or maybe she just hadn’t
quite seen the extent of my bruising, but I really felt she meant
every word, because she is one of the precious few) individuals who
sees beauty in everything and everyone. I
strive to be more like her, and tbh I can think of many others in
this world who should, too.
(dress and earrings from JOY)
(necklace from Stargazy)
Don’t
feel pressured to hide.
Don’t
avoid going to the supermarket because you’re worried about who
you’ll bump into in the biscuit aisle. Don’t put off a trip to
the Post Office because you’re convinced Julie on the till will
squawk with concern and draw attention to you. If you feel confident
and comfortable enough, go out and do things. It’s hard, but the
worst thing you could do is stop taking care of yourself and actually
living, because you’re
afraid of what others will say.
(dress and earrings from JOY)
(necklace from Stargazy)
How
interesting – this post mostly ended up being about other people’s
issues with my somewhat disfigured face. And my issues
with their issues!?
Who saw that coming?
How
do you feel when you see folks with unconventional looks, or
disfigured features? Do you ever find yourself staring? What even is
beauty!? Gimme some answers in
the comments below, or via tweet. I could talk about this forever.
Your writing. That dress. That is all.
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You babe. Thank you. x
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