'How are you?'

I'm fine

That's what you say, isn't it? Well, what if I actually answered your question honestly? We'd be here a while. You might need to grab a cuppa. Ready? Here we go... 

I'm restless

My 2019 is going to be big. I can feel it. I've made my little resolutions, started scribbling in my new diary, put the changes in motion; I'm letting myself get excited, and hope

(Photo: Erin Veness)

I’m impatient

My face is still ‘in progress’; it’s healed infinite amounts since my surgery in September, and yet I’m still far from satisfied. I’m self-conscious, I’m sad, and I’m swollen. Every day I’m checking in the mirror, frowning at myself, actually willing wrinkles to appear and dying to see any kind of change. I’m told to wait at least six months. I cannot accept that that’s not now. People tell me they don’t notice, and really, that hurts to hear when it’s not prefaced with a ‘I know you’re not happy/this won’t help’. Because it makes me feel I’m making a fuss over nothing. 

I’m crazy.

I'm having sessions with my counsellor every week, and I’m always astonished how she can just listen to me for ages and then, often as I feebly shut myself up or reach for a tissue, she can hit it on the head and tell me what’s wrong, what I need, and how she can help. You may see it as an expense, an indulgence, a silly venture; but honestly, counselling is priceless. It’s an investment everyone should consider making, even just once. Your brain will thank you. And if it can work on mine, that's surely enough motivation... 

(Photo: Erin Veness)

I’m protective.

I'm told I'm hard to read, and that frustrates me because yes, I'm guarded and oh so careful about who I let in, now more than ever - but I really, really want to be able to relax, open up and be with people again. I'm doing okay so far. I’m not putting up barriers any more, I’m simply forming my own boundaries. Certain people won't see past a certain point, and others will be right beside me in the thick of it, always. Social media is a big part of this; I'm not posting any specifics about my job or personal life, right now, because I've been burned too many times in the past thanks to my openness and ease (or is it a terrible lack of discipline?) with what I share in the online world. 

I’m stressed.

For the first time in a long while, I am having to turn up to a certain place at a certain time, several times a week. I don’t think I anticipated how much of a change this would be to my routine, and my mind. I love the challenge of it, and the capability I feel while I’m doing it. I’m not shoving my laptop in a backpack and moving from one cafe to another every day any more, and that’s a relief, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss it. I'm hoping that soon, I can find that mythical perfect balance, and have time to do both. 

I’m exhausted

Maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's the big social climate I'm suddenly in again, maybe it's all the work I've been doing lately after so long doing nothing besides the odd freelance job... whatever it is, it's draining af and I'm never not tired. 

(Photo: Erin Veness)
(perfect shirt from Sham City Roasters)

I’m happy

I'm rebuilding my life, yet again, and it seems to be working this time. It's feeling like it'll actually stick, for once. I'm doing things I've always hoped to, actually learning new things again, and looking ahead without too much dread or full-on panic. My life doesn't feel so small any more; I'm not stuck in a rut and not spending all my time in the same place, with the same people, feeling my world shrink and losing sight of the bigger things on the horizon. I'm feeling more like me, again. 

I'm a lot of things. Thanks for bearing with me while I work it all out. 

(Photo: Erin Veness)


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